Man Up! The hidden struggles of Men in Society.

Over the past few years, society has dramatically changed its views on women, LGBGQ+, ethnicities and different cultures. The world has been dominated by white, straight men who have created a strong, tall, dare-devil stereotype. My class in college were having a discussion about how the English Language may be biased towards men, and the teacher said:

“Don’t you think that having a patriarchal society has a negative impact on some men, as well as women?”

The whole class thought this was ridiculous, how could men suffer in a man made world? They have it easy!

But we don’t.

When you think of a typical man, you think of a tall, possibly muscular if not over weight guy who watches football, drinks beer, is loud, lazy and doesn’t treat women with respect.

I’m nothing like that. I’m short, skinny, incredibly shy and polite and I treat everyone with as much respect as I can. Yet this isn’t good enough for society. I’m abnormal, I stand out, I need to ‘man up’.

During the discussion, girls on my table were saying ‘yes, men can suffer, but it’s never as bad as women.” I feel like this is very, very wrong. Just because people have only recently noticed the high suicide rate of men, or that not every man want to go to the gym, become a builder or owns a tool box doesn’t mean that men have never suffered before. Imagine the poor men who were as small and skinny as me, being forced to go to war at the age of 16, cowering in training only to be told to man up. You don’t think that’s suffering?

I was picked on in high school for not meeting the requirements to be a ‘real man’, the thought of me having a girlfriend was hilarious because short guys aren’t attractive, because being short is a sign of weakness. Other kids tried to force me to swear, because men are expected to be rude and use taboo lexis. This was a major catalyst for my anxiety which affects my everyday life. I feel like I can’t do certain things, or I must do certain things in order to be accepted by other men and women.

I understand that women do have it much worse when if comes to physical abuse, the #metoo campaign spread the word like a house on fire. But we can’t ignore the fact that middle aged men are taking their lives more than any other demographic.

Not all older men are pedophiles, not all teen boys are bullies, not all husbands are lazy.

Some older men are carers , some teen boys are activists, some husbands do everything for their loved one.

Next time you see a boy racer and think to yourself “typical man”, think again, because it’s thoughts like that that are kill men every day.


Body Dysmorphia

Oh look another mental illness to add to the list.

Once again, this is something i didn’t know i had. I just used to think that i was a typical boy, insecure about his body. But i started thinking differently after I realised i can’t even show my body in front of my own family, when we were on holiday, i spent the entire time in the swimming pool with my arms wrapped around my body, i didn’t even realise i was doing it until my mother noticed it.

I first found out about Body Dysmorphia from Shane Dawson, who also has this condition, however there is one difference between him and me. Shane grew up overweight and, once he lost all the weight (well done, Shane), he got obsessed with keeping his body in shape and felt like his body was always wrong. I didn’t have this problem, I’ve never had a true problem with my body, yes i was a chubby baby, but everyone goes through that, right?

I am actually pretty happy with my body, I am in good shape, I have abs, gaining chest muscle, some body hair, maybe a bit skinny but nothing to worry about, so what is the problem?

Then i thought that maybe that is the problem, I have the body of an attractive teenager, but my face is the opposite, now I’m not saying I’m ugly, but i don’t have the face of a teenager my age, people are usually surprised when i say i am 17, they expect me to be 15, maybe even 14, and my height doesn’t help. So if i took my shirt off in front of these people and they saw abs and chest hair, they’d be surprised, maybe even uncomfortable…

It’s really hard to explain, i don’t know anyone else who has this problem, i just feel like body doesn’t match my face, i guess.

Anyway, I believe that i am starting to mature in the facial area, maybe facial hair would help.

Have a fun life! 🙂

The Manchester Bombings: My Experience

I’m sorry to start 2018 off with negativity, but I realised that I never did a blog about this, so here it is.

On the 22nd May 2017, a concert in Manchester was a target of a terrorist attack, the attack killed 22 people, including children as young as 8, and injuring hundreds.

That morning, I stood with my family in silence as we watched clips of the night, children running away, the sound of the bomb and the screams…the screams… I went into college and everyone was tense, it’s was uncomfortably quieter than usual, I went into my media class and my teacher wasn’t her usual bubbly self. We seemed sit in silence, suddenly grateful for what we have.

The rest of the day was the same, but it was what happened at home that I’ll never forget. My mum came up to me holding her phone and said, “do you recognise her?”, within a second of showing me the picture, is said “That’s Nell.”.

The last time I saw Nell, she must have been 7 or 8, she went to my primary school and was fairly close to my sister. I always remember her with a huge smile on her face, almost forced. She was always happy at primary school.

My mum said that Nell was missing, along with other children, I tried to stay positive and I convinced myself that Nell would be found, that she would be unharmed and seeking refuge at some hotel.

But that was not the case.

The next day, at college, I heard other people talking about Nell, saying that ‘the girl from around here is dead’, I wanted to cry. I did even know Nell, she wasn’t my friend, but I knew her enough to recognise her voice and personality. During my study period, I sat on my own, refreshing the news on my phone, waiting for the article to show up, and soon enough it did, “Latest victim of Manchester bombing identified as Nell, 14.” That was when I knew it was real. An innocent girl from my primary school was murdered.

Despite all of the horror that the Manchester attack threw at us, so many people showed a sense of community, hope and optimism, with the entire world joining together to remember Nell and the 21 other victims of the attack. That was when I realised that we are a community, a team, and it is our job to stop the monsters who keep trying and failing to break us.

Make the most of what you have, love those around you and keep smiling.

Have a fun life! 🙂


There are some things I’d like to do with my blog this year, here are a few:

YouTube: I’m planning on starting a YouTube channel in which I talk to the camera about things similar to here, but more spontaneous and real. Possibly helping others as well.

Stories: I might start wring short stories, as I love creative writing and showing off my imagination.

Daily blog: Some sort of diary? Short extracts about my day and feelings, this might be hard to do to hide personal information, but it’s a thought.

More personal: Maybe even more personal blogs, talking about more intimate things.

Less Personal: More relaxed posts, similar to my blog about ghosts at high school.

Have a fun life! 🙂

My Youth Theatre Story

I never used to want to be an actor. One day I was playing on my own and thought ‘I bet being an actor is like playing games, but as a job!’ And ever since then I wanted to act, I pretended to be on film sets, and would redo non-existent scenes, pretend to break character and would dream of acting alongside my favourite actor, Josh Hutcherson.

My next door neighbour happened to run a youth theatre, so one day my mum told her about my new passion for acting while walking our dogs. So she said I could come along to one of their rehearsals to see how it is. Usually, I would immediately decile this offer, I usually hate the idea of a club, a group of new people. Especially at 13, when my anxiety was pretty bad though I didn’t know at the time.

I agreed.

The week up to that day, I was looking at their website, watching videos and imagining myself there. I was both excited and really nervous. I’d never done anything co-curriculum before. I’d actually been to see one of their shows a few year before joining, it was really good and I was worried I would ruin their reputation.

Finally, the day came. My mum walked me next door and we knocked on the door. They seemed really happy to see me. Their daughter was the longest running member, so I hoped I was in good hands. Another cast member was also there. She would go on to win an award for her role as ‘The Cat in the Hat’. She also seemed really nice. I said bye to my mum and got in their car.

The journey was really rather awkward, I was sat between two long time members, and I was the new kid. I sat in silence as they talked about Toy Story and inside jokes. When we got to there, I was surprised to see a school instead of a theatre. There was members that were walking in that I recognised from the website, (I am now friends with them).

When we got inside, we got in a circle and my neighbour, also the leader, told everyone to say hi to me. Already embarrassed, I wanted to go home. Everyone seemed so big, so tall, so professional. That day, we also read through the current show, ‘Dracula Spectacular’, I of course, had no lines. Then we moved on to the dance. I began to panic, not sure if I should join in or not, as my mum told me that I was just meant to be watching. But I got partnered with a girl probably two times as tall as me. We learnt a dance for the opening number, and I felt very uncomfortable, she was a really good dancer, partnered with me, a tiny, shy noob.

Although everyone was really nice, I didn’t fully enjoy my first day, I felt really out of place. When I got back home, I was semi speechless. I didn’t expect myself to stay for the entire show, maybe a few more rehearsals then I’ll get bored and leave. But I stayed for the entire show, we preformed it that October and, although it wasn’t the best show we’ve done, it was fun.

Then I stayed for anther show, and another, and another, and now I’m on my eleventh show with my youth theatre. I’m now the oldest in the group, and one of the longest running members. Yes, it has changed a lot along the way, almost all of the people that were there when I joined have now left.

During my time with my theatre, I’ve been a lot of different characters. Some of my favourites being Thing 1, a school bully, a police man, a chimney sweeper (I tapped for the first time) and most importantly, Milky White, the cow from Into the Woods, the critic said that the back end and I stole the show, getting the most laughs and even making some of the cast break character. That was an incredible feeling, having a room full of people find me funny and enjoy my performance.

Now I am rehearsing for my final show with the Youth Theatre, it’s a tribute to Manchester, after the tragic attack in May.

So, in conclusion, I want you to follow your dreams, no matter how big or small. I started off by playing games on my own, to acting on stage to getting a special mention in reviews. Even if you don’t feel like it was the right idea at first, give it a few more chances, it might just change your life for the better.

Have a fun life! 🙂

My sexuality: Who I am.

For the past few ‘My sexuality’ posts, I’ve been saying that I’m finally happy with the label I’m giving myself, here’s the list of the labels I’ve given myself over the past few years:

Straight (default I guess)

Gender Neutral (I didn’t really know what it meant)

Straight (again)

Heteroflexible (I was very confident with this one)

Hetero-romantic bisexual (again, pretty confident)

No label (where we are now)

I know for sure that I am not going to officially label myself. But I noticed that throughout this rollercoaster of emotions, I realised that I never said I was bisexual. This surprised me, as many of the labels I planned to give myself were close to that. I always said that bisexual was a very vague label, and ones like Heteroflexible or Hetero-romantic bisexual were more accurate, which is true. But I realised that there doesn’t need to be ‘more accurate’ versions, or any at all.

If I had to explain my sexuality, I’d say that I like men and women. However in very different ways. I’ve never really met any boy that I’ve wanted to date. However there are girls that I’ve wanted to date, there is currently one at the moment. On the other hand, there are many male celebrities that I find attractive, but not many female celebrities.

I’m not sure if I want to be like the attractive male celebs, or just fancy them.

I’m also much more picky with girls, I don’t like objectifying them, I must find out their personality before I decide whether I fancy them or not. But with guys, I base it more on looks, but I also don’t ever consider dating them. It’s complicated, let me try to simplify it:


Met in person: Not much attraction

Celebrities: Attraction OR I want to be like them


Met in person: Some attraction, but picky

Celebrities: Not much attraction

I know I shouldn’t need to explain myself, but I wanted to get that off my chest, I’m yet to tell my family, but I feel like it don’t really need to. It won’t affect their lives. But maybe I should just give them a heads up.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Life Update

It’s been a while since I posted, a few things have changed in my life, some good, some bad.

In July I began my driving lessons. A pretty big step for me. I really want to drive, I just wish I could skip the ‘learning’ bit. It’s been ok. I always get nervous before my lesson. I’m not great at driving, I’m currently struggling coming down gears before junctions or turning. I leave it too late I think. I also got a car, it’s a nice car, but horrible to drive. The clutch is… sticky, if you know what I mean. I ALWAYS stall, it drives me crazy… excuse the pun. Speaking of bad driving, I also casually drove my car into a rich mans hedge, you know, a normal Saturday afternoon. But seriously, one of the scariest moments of my life. It was a T junction up hill, cars everywhere so a was already panicking. My mum was in the car with me and she had s habit of grabbing the wheel when she thinks I’m going to kill us both. Turns out she almost killed us both, too. No, it wasn’t all her fault, it was everyone’s fault, the other drivers where very close and I was clearly a learner. The man who owned the hedge was very nice. He didn’t mind, he cared more about me, as I was clearing having a panic attack and couldn’t speak.

After that… incident, I had multiple nightmares about me car, in one I lifted the handbrake and it came off while I was on a very very bendy road, in another my dad was in the car, which is way worse that my mum being in the car.

I’ve had a few panic attacks since starting college again, I don’t know why, besides the car. I thought I was getting better but a few weeks ago my Media Studies teacher told me I had to redo my exam paper from last year because I got a C, and I had to stay behind every Wednesday to do exam prep. As I walked home I couldn’t breath. I felt so disappointed in myself. I’d revised sooo much for that exam and I felt like it was all pointless. I later got an email stating that the redo isn’t a punishment, and that the college just wants me to do well. I feel better about it now.

Now onto something nicer, I recently did a show with my youth theatre called Thoroughly Modern Millie. Unfortunately I didn’t get a part but I still really enjoyed it. It wasn’t the best show by all means but it went well. There was some drama backstage, once again, sorry about the pun… I’ve never really experienced drama before, so I kinda loved it. It drew me closer to the rest of the cast, which is strange. It was between the two main male roles. I don’t really know why. But it was fun to watch…. I’m not psychopath I promise.

During that time, I also did something I’ve been wanting to do for ages, style my hair. It seems like something small but the thought of changing my appearance freaked me out. My hair was always been straight forward, combed to stick to my head. I was worried that if I changed it, people would comment on it. One day I stuck the front up and to the side a little. I don’t know they proper term for it. It was barely noticeable but I was still nervous.

No one commented.

So I thought, ‘maybe I should style it some more’

No one commented.

So today, I shaved the sides of my head slightly and I think I look great. When I look in the mirror I can’t help but smile. I feel a little confidence coming out. Also, my brother said that I have a good jawline, which is good. Josh Hutcherson has a good jawline.

So that’s all. Apart from that fact that I lost my job because I was just a student. But I didn’t like it anyway.

Have a nice life! 🙂

Why I have social anxiety + feminism 

I haven’t always been socially awkward, before I went to high school I was friends wth pretty much everyone, (there were only 10 people in my year), I was only neverous around adults. I was shy. I didn’t know about expectations of boys, stereotypes of genders. Until I joined high school.

I was 11, I was terrified of everyone. I immediately felt like an outsider. I’m my first class, I was sat next to the coolest boy in the year. Tall, cool hair, handsome, confident, rude. I was terrified of him. I then realised that this is what is expected from boys. We’re expected to be buff, confident, manly. Throughout my first year at high school I was picked on for being the smallest person in the year. I had (have) a baby face, I didn’t (don’t) style my hair, I wasn’t fashionable, I always had my top button done up, my tie perfect, shirt tucked in. I was basically the ‘uncool’ kid. I felt incredibly insecure. This was the beginning of my social anxiety.

It’s wrong that there are expectations for men and women. What many people don’t realise is that there are stereotypes of men that put pressure on males like myself. Women are seen as the passive gender due to their stereotypes, such as being vulnerable, delicate and mothers. Thus meaning that men are seen as the active gender. Dominant, strong, businessmen. I don’t have any of these traits. In fact, I have the female traits (apart from being a mother, of course).

I’m not saying that women shouldn’t want to be mothers or men shouldn’t have successful jobs, I saying that men and women should be expected to look after their children, men and women should have successful jobs. But we shouldn’t have separate expectations. We should have the same expectations. Such as treating one another with respect.

So all in all, I got social anxiety because of gender stereotypes. That is why I really want to make a change. I want equality to be a ‘thing’ while I am on this planet (I’m moving to Pluto, planet equality!)

Have a fun life! 🙂

We Don’t Need Labels to Identify Our Sexuality 

One of my dreams is to stand up on stage and tell an audience why having a label is not necessary, but first, I’ll state why here.

First off, I’m going to ask you a question. Do you like tea, coffee or both? If you drink tea, you don’t look at those who drink coffee and see them different to fellow tea drinkers (unless you’re joking around). There is no need for a coffee drinker to sit down with their family of tea drinkers and tell them that they only drink coffee. So why do we do that when it comes to sexuality?

Of course, it was natural for humans to be shocked when someone liked the same gender. It was seen as unnatural, people were scared to come out. But that was hundreds of years ago. It’s 2017, teenagers shouldn’t be scared to tell their friends and family that their ‘different’, they shouldn’t need to tell them at all. It’s not going to affect your brother in any way if you like a different sex to him.

I want you to think. Is it possible for you to think you’re 100% “straight”, but then come across someone of the same sex in 20 years and think “wow, I am attracted to this person”? Yes. That is very possible. Therefore we shouldn’t limit ourselves to one label. By doing that, we’re forcing our brain to believe that looking at anyone else sexually is wrong. But if you are ‘label-less’, it would still be a surprise, but it wouldn’t be seen as wrong.

People seem to forget that having a label is just an option. Like having 3 meals a day is just an option, or going to school is just an option. Because most people do it, people believe that they have to stick by these fake rules of society and make an official label for themselves. This, for example, means that celebrities feel the need to create ‘coming out’ videos, because their fans all think that this celebrity has and needs a label. But they don’t need a label.

So, with that said, I’m am official me. I do not have a label, I’m not going to stress over ‘finding out who I am’, I’m going to take on every day as it comes at me.

I am attracted to people. Enough said.

If you disagree or are confused with anything that I said, I’d love to hear from you. Comment down below your thoughts. Keep it friendly though, we’re all entitled to our own opinion.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Let’s be happy!

I’ve realised that my past few posts have been rather negative. So I am going to share with you all of the good things that have happened to me in 2016.

Let’s start with the most important: GCSE’s. The exams themselves were torture, but the feeling of finished each one was amazing. Not having to go to that lesson anymore and crossing off them lessons on my timetable. But of course, the most important of all would be the last exam. My third Physics paper. The thought that I never have to do science ever again. Leaving the exam room, getting my bag and signing out at the school entrance for the final time was a sensational experience. I hated school. I never looked back. I never said goodbye to anyone. They didn’t care, I didn’t care. 

Then there was results day. I was absolutely certain that I failed maths and all sciences. I was dreading opening the envelope as seeing the D’s and E’s. But to my surprise, I saw B’s and C’s. Of course I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get any A’s or A*’s. Especially when the head of English basically garunteed me one. But the fact that I passed everything filled me with joy! I couldn’t quite understand how I passed maths. It must have been the pages of 1 markers because I’m sure I failed the longer ones. But at that moment, I knew I was getting into the college I always wanted to go to.

That leads on to the long summer break. It was the longest time off education I’ve ever had since I was a baby. It was amazing, so free. I was home alone a lot. As you know, I like that. I watched episode upon episode of Pretty Little Liars, I played with my dog, I burned all of my school books. And when I went on holiday with my family, I went on my first suspended rollercoaster. It was great. But sadly, a few weeks afterwards, my grandad passed away after multiple strokes. But let’s not talk about that.

After the long break off, I started college. I was nervous but excited. My first day was great, I was with my friends, we laughed, we learned. The next day wasn’t so great, I didn’t like my media class very much (but it turns out I now really like media. It just wasn’t a great first impression.) and I didn’t like photography either (I still don’t, but I can cope with it.). But I really like English Language, my teacher is very kind, the people on my table are hilarious and the overall atmosphere is great. I have also been able to do a lot more exercises since joining college as I walk along the river a lot.

There have been other great things too, like getting a new computer, making new friends online, discovering new YouTubers to watch (and something’s chat with), and sending a letter to my role model, Josh Hutcherson, who replied with a signed photo after I thought I’d sent it wrong. 

Just remember, although you may been going through tough times, there is always something to be happy about. The glass is half full.

Have a fun life! 🙂