My Youth Theatre Story

I never used to want to be an actor. One day I was playing on my own and thought ‘I bet being an actor is like playing games, but as a job!’ And ever since then I wanted to act, I pretended to be on film sets, and would redo non-existent scenes, pretend to break character and would dream of acting alongside my favourite actor, Josh Hutcherson.

My next door neighbour happened to run a youth theatre, so one day my mum told her about my new passion for acting while walking our dogs. So she said I could come along to one of their rehearsals to see how it is. Usually, I would immediately decile this offer, I usually hate the idea of a club, a group of new people. Especially at 13, when my anxiety was pretty bad though I didn’t know at the time.

I agreed.

The week up to that day, I was looking at their website, watching videos and imagining myself there. I was both excited and really nervous. I’d never done anything co-curriculum before. I’d actually been to see one of their shows a few year before joining, it was really good and I was worried I would ruin their reputation.

Finally, the day came. My mum walked me next door and we knocked on the door. They seemed really happy to see me. Their daughter was the longest running member, so I hoped I was in good hands. Another cast member was also there. She would go on to win an award for her role as ‘The Cat in the Hat’. She also seemed really nice. I said bye to my mum and got in their car.

The journey was really rather awkward, I was sat between two long time members, and I was the new kid. I sat in silence as they talked about Toy Story and inside jokes. When we got to there, I was surprised to see a school instead of a theatre. There was members that were walking in that I recognised from the website, (I am now friends with them).

When we got inside, we got in a circle and my neighbour, also the leader, told everyone to say hi to me. Already embarrassed, I wanted to go home. Everyone seemed so big, so tall, so professional. That day, we also read through the current show, ‘Dracula Spectacular’, I of course, had no lines. Then we moved on to the dance. I began to panic, not sure if I should join in or not, as my mum told me that I was just meant to be watching. But I got partnered with a girl probably two times as tall as me. We learnt a dance for the opening number, and I felt very uncomfortable, she was a really good dancer, partnered with me, a tiny, shy noob.

Although everyone was really nice, I didn’t fully enjoy my first day, I felt really out of place. When I got back home, I was semi speechless. I didn’t expect myself to stay for the entire show, maybe a few more rehearsals then I’ll get bored and leave. But I stayed for the entire show, we preformed it that October and, although it wasn’t the best show we’ve done, it was fun.

Then I stayed for anther show, and another, and another, and now I’m on my eleventh show with my youth theatre. I’m now the oldest in the group, and one of the longest running members. Yes, it has changed a lot along the way, almost all of the people that were there when I joined have now left.

During my time with my theatre, I’ve been a lot of different characters. Some of my favourites being Thing 1, a school bully, a police man, a chimney sweeper (I tapped for the first time) and most importantly, Milky White, the cow from Into the Woods, the critic said that the back end and I stole the show, getting the most laughs and even making some of the cast break character. That was an incredible feeling, having a room full of people find me funny and enjoy my performance.

Now I am rehearsing for my final show with the Youth Theatre, it’s a tribute to Manchester, after the tragic attack in May.

So, in conclusion, I want you to follow your dreams, no matter how big or small. I started off by playing games on my own, to acting on stage to getting a special mention in reviews. Even if you don’t feel like it was the right idea at first, give it a few more chances, it might just change your life for the better.

Have a fun life! 🙂

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My sexuality: Who I am.

For the past few ‘My sexuality’ posts, I’ve been saying that I’m finally happy with the label I’m giving myself, here’s the list of the labels I’ve given myself over the past few years:

Straight (default I guess)

Gender Neutral (I didn’t really know what it meant)

Straight (again)

Heteroflexible (I was very confident with this one)

Hetero-romantic bisexual (again, pretty confident)

No label (where we are now)

I know for sure that I am not going to officially label myself. But I noticed that throughout this rollercoaster of emotions, I realised that I never said I was bisexual. This surprised me, as many of the labels I planned to give myself were close to that. I always said that bisexual was a very vague label, and ones like Heteroflexible or Hetero-romantic bisexual were more accurate, which is true. But I realised that there doesn’t need to be ‘more accurate’ versions, or any at all.

If I had to explain my sexuality, I’d say that I like men and women. However in very different ways. I’ve never really met any boy that I’ve wanted to date. However there are girls that I’ve wanted to date, there is currently one at the moment. On the other hand, there are many male celebrities that I find attractive, but not many female celebrities.

I’m not sure if I want to be like the attractive male celebs, or just fancy them.

I’m also much more picky with girls, I don’t like objectifying them, I must find out their personality before I decide whether I fancy them or not. But with guys, I base it more on looks, but I also don’t ever consider dating them. It’s complicated, let me try to simplify it:

Males

Met in person: Not much attraction

Celebrities: Attraction OR I want to be like them

Females

Met in person: Some attraction, but picky

Celebrities: Not much attraction

I know I shouldn’t need to explain myself, but I wanted to get that off my chest, I’m yet to tell my family, but I feel like it don’t really need to. It won’t affect their lives. But maybe I should just give them a heads up.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Life Update

It’s been a while since I posted, a few things have changed in my life, some good, some bad.

In July I began my driving lessons. A pretty big step for me. I really want to drive, I just wish I could skip the ‘learning’ bit. It’s been ok. I always get nervous before my lesson. I’m not great at driving, I’m currently struggling coming down gears before junctions or turning. I leave it too late I think. I also got a car, it’s a nice car, but horrible to drive. The clutch is… sticky, if you know what I mean. I ALWAYS stall, it drives me crazy… excuse the pun. Speaking of bad driving, I also casually drove my car into a rich mans hedge, you know, a normal Saturday afternoon. But seriously, one of the scariest moments of my life. It was a T junction up hill, cars everywhere so a was already panicking. My mum was in the car with me and she had s habit of grabbing the wheel when she thinks I’m going to kill us both. Turns out she almost killed us both, too. No, it wasn’t all her fault, it was everyone’s fault, the other drivers where very close and I was clearly a learner. The man who owned the hedge was very nice. He didn’t mind, he cared more about me, as I was clearing having a panic attack and couldn’t speak.

After that… incident, I had multiple nightmares about me car, in one I lifted the handbrake and it came off while I was on a very very bendy road, in another my dad was in the car, which is way worse that my mum being in the car.

I’ve had a few panic attacks since starting college again, I don’t know why, besides the car. I thought I was getting better but a few weeks ago my Media Studies teacher told me I had to redo my exam paper from last year because I got a C, and I had to stay behind every Wednesday to do exam prep. As I walked home I couldn’t breath. I felt so disappointed in myself. I’d revised sooo much for that exam and I felt like it was all pointless. I later got an email stating that the redo isn’t a punishment, and that the college just wants me to do well. I feel better about it now.

Now onto something nicer, I recently did a show with my youth theatre called Thoroughly Modern Millie. Unfortunately I didn’t get a part but I still really enjoyed it. It wasn’t the best show by all means but it went well. There was some drama backstage, once again, sorry about the pun… I’ve never really experienced drama before, so I kinda loved it. It drew me closer to the rest of the cast, which is strange. It was between the two main male roles. I don’t really know why. But it was fun to watch…. I’m not psychopath I promise.

During that time, I also did something I’ve been wanting to do for ages, style my hair. It seems like something small but the thought of changing my appearance freaked me out. My hair was always been straight forward, combed to stick to my head. I was worried that if I changed it, people would comment on it. One day I stuck the front up and to the side a little. I don’t know they proper term for it. It was barely noticeable but I was still nervous.

No one commented.

So I thought, ‘maybe I should style it some more’

No one commented.

So today, I shaved the sides of my head slightly and I think I look great. When I look in the mirror I can’t help but smile. I feel a little confidence coming out. Also, my brother said that I have a good jawline, which is good. Josh Hutcherson has a good jawline.

So that’s all. Apart from that fact that I lost my job because I was just a student. But I didn’t like it anyway.

Have a nice life! 🙂

Why I have social anxiety + feminism 

I haven’t always been socially awkward, before I went to high school I was friends wth pretty much everyone, (there were only 10 people in my year), I was only neverous around adults. I was shy. I didn’t know about expectations of boys, stereotypes of genders. Until I joined high school.

I was 11, I was terrified of everyone. I immediately felt like an outsider. I’m my first class, I was sat next to the coolest boy in the year. Tall, cool hair, handsome, confident, rude. I was terrified of him. I then realised that this is what is expected from boys. We’re expected to be buff, confident, manly. Throughout my first year at high school I was picked on for being the smallest person in the year. I had (have) a baby face, I didn’t (don’t) style my hair, I wasn’t fashionable, I always had my top button done up, my tie perfect, shirt tucked in. I was basically the ‘uncool’ kid. I felt incredibly insecure. This was the beginning of my social anxiety.

It’s wrong that there are expectations for men and women. What many people don’t realise is that there are stereotypes of men that put pressure on males like myself. Women are seen as the passive gender due to their stereotypes, such as being vulnerable, delicate and mothers. Thus meaning that men are seen as the active gender. Dominant, strong, businessmen. I don’t have any of these traits. In fact, I have the female traits (apart from being a mother, of course).

I’m not saying that women shouldn’t want to be mothers or men shouldn’t have successful jobs, I saying that men and women should be expected to look after their children, men and women should have successful jobs. But we shouldn’t have separate expectations. We should have the same expectations. Such as treating one another with respect.

So all in all, I got social anxiety because of gender stereotypes. That is why I really want to make a change. I want equality to be a ‘thing’ while I am on this planet (I’m moving to Pluto, planet equality!)

Have a fun life! 🙂

We Don’t Need Labels to Identify Our Sexuality 

One of my dreams is to stand up on stage and tell an audience why having a label is not necessary, but first, I’ll state why here.

First off, I’m going to ask you a question. Do you like tea, coffee or both? If you drink tea, you don’t look at those who drink coffee and see them different to fellow tea drinkers (unless you’re joking around). There is no need for a coffee drinker to sit down with their family of tea drinkers and tell them that they only drink coffee. So why do we do that when it comes to sexuality?

Of course, it was natural for humans to be shocked when someone liked the same gender. It was seen as unnatural, people were scared to come out. But that was hundreds of years ago. It’s 2017, teenagers shouldn’t be scared to tell their friends and family that their ‘different’, they shouldn’t need to tell them at all. It’s not going to affect your brother in any way if you like a different sex to him.

I want you to think. Is it possible for you to think you’re 100% “straight”, but then come across someone of the same sex in 20 years and think “wow, I am attracted to this person”? Yes. That is very possible. Therefore we shouldn’t limit ourselves to one label. By doing that, we’re forcing our brain to believe that looking at anyone else sexually is wrong. But if you are ‘label-less’, it would still be a surprise, but it wouldn’t be seen as wrong.

People seem to forget that having a label is just an option. Like having 3 meals a day is just an option, or going to school is just an option. Because most people do it, people believe that they have to stick by these fake rules of society and make an official label for themselves. This, for example, means that celebrities feel the need to create ‘coming out’ videos, because their fans all think that this celebrity has and needs a label. But they don’t need a label.

So, with that said, I’m am official me. I do not have a label, I’m not going to stress over ‘finding out who I am’, I’m going to take on every day as it comes at me.

I am attracted to people. Enough said.

If you disagree or are confused with anything that I said, I’d love to hear from you. Comment down below your thoughts. Keep it friendly though, we’re all entitled to our own opinion.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Let’s be happy!

I’ve realised that my past few posts have been rather negative. So I am going to share with you all of the good things that have happened to me in 2016.

Let’s start with the most important: GCSE’s. The exams themselves were torture, but the feeling of finished each one was amazing. Not having to go to that lesson anymore and crossing off them lessons on my timetable. But of course, the most important of all would be the last exam. My third Physics paper. The thought that I never have to do science ever again. Leaving the exam room, getting my bag and signing out at the school entrance for the final time was a sensational experience. I hated school. I never looked back. I never said goodbye to anyone. They didn’t care, I didn’t care. 

Then there was results day. I was absolutely certain that I failed maths and all sciences. I was dreading opening the envelope as seeing the D’s and E’s. But to my surprise, I saw B’s and C’s. Of course I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get any A’s or A*’s. Especially when the head of English basically garunteed me one. But the fact that I passed everything filled me with joy! I couldn’t quite understand how I passed maths. It must have been the pages of 1 markers because I’m sure I failed the longer ones. But at that moment, I knew I was getting into the college I always wanted to go to.

That leads on to the long summer break. It was the longest time off education I’ve ever had since I was a baby. It was amazing, so free. I was home alone a lot. As you know, I like that. I watched episode upon episode of Pretty Little Liars, I played with my dog, I burned all of my school books. And when I went on holiday with my family, I went on my first suspended rollercoaster. It was great. But sadly, a few weeks afterwards, my grandad passed away after multiple strokes. But let’s not talk about that.

After the long break off, I started college. I was nervous but excited. My first day was great, I was with my friends, we laughed, we learned. The next day wasn’t so great, I didn’t like my media class very much (but it turns out I now really like media. It just wasn’t a great first impression.) and I didn’t like photography either (I still don’t, but I can cope with it.). But I really like English Language, my teacher is very kind, the people on my table are hilarious and the overall atmosphere is great. I have also been able to do a lot more exercises since joining college as I walk along the river a lot.

There have been other great things too, like getting a new computer, making new friends online, discovering new YouTubers to watch (and something’s chat with), and sending a letter to my role model, Josh Hutcherson, who replied with a signed photo after I thought I’d sent it wrong. 

Just remember, although you may been going through tough times, there is always something to be happy about. The glass is half full.

Have a fun life! 🙂

50 facts about me

Here we go:

1: I live in England

2: I own a Jack Russell

3: I’m oddly obsessed with the RMS Titanic

4: I take Media Studies, Photography and English Language as AS level and A level

5: I have an older brother

6: I have a younger sister

7: My favourite movie is The Hunger Games

8: My favourite game is Minecraft

9: I have no label

10: My favourite YouTuber range from Stampy Cat to Miranda Sings

11: I don’t like tomatoes

12: I have social anxiety

13: I hated school

14: I passed all my GCSE’s

15: My favourite TV show is The Big Bang Theory

16: My favourite actor is Josh Hutcherson

17: I tried sending him fan mail but I did it wrong

!!!! UPDATE: IT TURNS OUT I DID IT RIGHTS AND HE SEND A ‘SIGNED’ (it was autopen) PHOTO BACK. THANKS JOSH!!!!

18: I go to a theatre club

19: I have been in 8 of their shows so far

20: I can dance (ish)

21: I lip sync like a pro

22: I can ‘crack’ my eyelids

23: I would like to act in a horror movie

24: I like being alone

25: I am a pro ‘awkward dancer’

26: I have long eyelashes

27: I love hoodies

28: I don’t smoke

29: I share a room with my brother

30: My favourite holiday is Christmas

31: I’m slightly OCD

32: My favourite animal is a dog

33: I have my breakfast a night

34: I believe in ghosts

35: I believe in aliens

36: My favourite music genre is Musical

37: In year 4 I wet myself on stage

38: I’m scared of clowns

39: My favourite number is 12

40: I don’t drink alcohol often

41: I would like to go to Canada

42: I would like to be an actor

43: I have one brown eye and ones greeny-brown eye

44: I’m an animal lover

45: I’m for equality

46: I am prone to spelling errors

47: My favourite emoji is 😋

48: I hate spending money

49: I have size 8 feet

50: I need the toilet

Have a fun life! :)<<
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Heteroromantic Bisexual?

Yes, I would call myself Heteroflexible. The term that means I am attracted to both genders, but I am mostly straight and I would not date/marry the same sex.
However after further research, I came to realise that there is another term which means a similar thing:

Heteroromantic Bisexual

You can probably guess what it means by reading it. But if not, it means you are sexually attracted to both male and females (would have a sexual relationship with them), but you’re only remantically attracted to the opposite sex (would marry/date/fall in love with them).

I know, they are basically the same thing. But some people say they are different things. Some people say that Heteroflexible means you would only have a physical relationship with the same sex if you were drunk, curious etc. But some people think it just means the same as Heteroromantic Bisexual.

And then, of course, there are the small minded people who say that they both are just closeted versions on Bisexual.

Well let me tell you something. It’s not easy for someone to just label themselves something they are uncomfortable with. Yes, they mean you are attracted to both sexes in some way or another, but for some people, Bisexual just doesn’t feel right and probably never will. These categories allow individuals to share who they are without feeling like they are being too general.

In conclusion to this rant: Bisexual is a very unspecific, general term. There are more precise terms like the ones above that make people feel more comfortable.

Anyway, rant over…

So what do you think? Are they the same thing or are they slightly different?

Have a fun life! 🙂

Tough times

I feel like I’m getting to the end of my journey from childhood to adulthood. There have been some great times. Like passing all my GCSE’s, getting into the college I always wanted to go to and joining a drama group. But there have also been a lot of tough times. A lot.

But I feel like this finale is going to be the toughest. I know who I am as a person, I know my flaws, I know my specialties. But I feel a lot more lonely since joining college. I didn’t have many friends in high school. And though that I did have went to a different college to me. I suddenly feel trapped. Like I literally have no one to talk to. That’s because I don’t.

There will be another blog post about this, but I finally think that I am bisexual, well, heteroromantic bisexual. But bisexual is part of it. And I don’t want he whole ‘coming out’ thing to be a big deal. But I do feel like i need to tell someone. But honestly, my family aren’t the best when it comes to LGBT+ Community. They will most definitely see me in a different way. But I need to tell them.

I recently watched Shane Dawson’s coming out video about being bisexual and it was the first video on YouTube to ever make me cry. Like fully cry. I felt like I finally found someone who knows what I’m going through. Of course I can’t talk to Shane, thousands of his fans are wanting to talk to him. But I’m just glad he would understand if I were to tell him.

Then there is the big boy: Social anxiety. This monster affects everything in my life possible. Coming out, making friends, talking to someone, getting a job, basically living. The thing that I hate the most is that all the people that I feel like I can connect to about this the most are internet celebrities who have millions of fans all over the world. They’re my true friends. Joe Garrett (Stampy) Beth Bates (Sqaishey) Colleen, Shane, Gabbie… So that got me thinking. Should I make a YouTube channel? Just to talk to a camera about my issues. I wouldn’t care about how many subscribers I get, how many haters there are. I just want to have a friend that I can trust and relate to.

Although I want a good friend, I also want to be alone more than ever. I’m tired of sharing a room with my 20 year old brother. Im sick of waiting for someone to stop using the internet in our house so that my videos don’t buffer. I know these seem like typical first world problems, but for some reason, they seem so much worse at the moment, I just want to cry or smash something if my video pauses every 2 seconds.

I just wanted to write this because I’m having a tough evening. I probably sound like a right depressing slug. But i made this wordpress account to share all the feelings I’m too scared to share with anyone in person.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Social anxiety: What it had done to me…

If you don’t like emotional posts, please don’t read.

My last post was about social anxiety. Since then I have noticed it getting worse. I lock myself away from the outside world. I trap myself in holes that I know I can’t get out of. My relatives are beginning to worry about me. 

I only have one friend. Like I said before, he also suffers from social anxiety. I met him in primary school and we are now in college together. However we hardly see each other now due to completely different timetables.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I have no one to eat lunch with. Everyone ignores me and I ignore them. If I stay in college during the 1 hour lunch break, I feel like everyone is judging me, thinking of me as a loner. Which I kind of am…

I do what I feel is the only solution: I isolate myself from the rest of the world by going to the river next to the college. No one from he college ever goes there, I only see dog walkers who seem fine with me. Some avoid eye contact because aparantly teens are dangerous. Anyway, I walk by the river, eating my lunch, listening to a podcast or just listening to the birds and and wind.

I love exploring, and I was able to find a way into the woods. I follow the tiny pathway that hasn’t been used by anyone in years apart from high teenagers on a Friday night. And just stand there, eating my lunch. Thinking about how lonely I am. I talk to myself, because I feel like I am the only person who understands.

I know what you’re thinking: “He is crazy”. But honestly, I’m beginning to think I’m crazy too…

Once I finish my lunch, I head back to college. I stand on my phone or I go to the library and sit on my own. But there is always that one group of friends who keep staring at me. Whenever I glance at them, they look away, but that do it slow enough so that I know they are talking about me. I don’t know these people. But they know I am shy, I am lonely, and I probably have anxiety. So they like to turn the anxiety up a notch by simply staring at me.

At home, I feel like the only friends I have are YouTubers, at least one YouTuber is like you. I watch their videos, I laugh along with them, I react to what they’re saying and I imaging myself meeting them, and becoming the best of friends.

I know that I shouldn’t lock myself out, but sometimes, I feel like there is no other option.

 I have tried to destroy my social anxiety on my own, but it has just made it worse. I would talk to complete strangers online. Mostly gay men because they would actually want to talk. Unfortunately I was foolish and carried on talking to them, even when they began to sound creepy. But I thought that at the end of the day, it’ll be worth it.

I did some terrible things when talking to them strangers online. But I felt like it would help me feel more confident in myself. I’m not going to say what it was that I did. But this is the most I have ever said about it.

And what I did will haunt me forever. 

Anyway, I’m sorry if this changed how you think of me. I understand.

But like always, I just want to say…

Have a fun life! 🙂