I hate being shy…
Ok, so everyone who knows me will know that I am super shy. It takes about a year for me to talk to someone like a normal human being, and that is only if I see them regularly. But there are lots of people who I know that I wish I could talk to without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.
Sometimes, I have a funny comment that I know everyone would appreciate if I said it, but because I am shy, I keep it in my head and no one will ever hear it. Once more, if I force myself to say something, I usually say it too quietly or quickly so that no one will hear and they fun is lost. If I wasn’t shy, I think I would feel a lot more welcome into the world. At the moment, I feel like I’m trapped in my own cage and the only person who notices all my emotions is me. I’m not saying that people are ignoring me; I’m saying I don’t have the courage to share my thoughts and feelings with others.
During some classes at school, people notice me listening in to other people’s conversations, and when they say something funny I laugh to myself. Then people would ask, “Why are you laughing?”. It’s because I am trying to get involved in others peoples conversations, and maybe, just maybe, they might notice and welcome me to join in.
I feel comfortable with the people I hang around with at school, mainly because they have been though the pain that I feel. And I can join in to any of there conversations without seeming nosey or rude.
Because of my shyness, I spend a lot of my time wearing headphones, so that I don’t have to embarrass myself in front of any of my family. I feel close to the people who I watch on YouTube as they are also shy and occasionally feel awkward. I see them as family members, or friends who – if I ever met – I could share all my problems with, and they would understand.
I feel as if I am constantly repeating myself here, but I see it as the hardest obstacle to overcome in my life. People say that shyness is a disability, which I think is right. I feel like being shy cuts a huge chunk out of my personality. If you asked my mum, brother or sister how I act at home, you would be quite surprised. I am probably still the quietest at home, but I am bubbly, happy and quite random at times, (like yesterday, when I said my favourite word was “browse”).
At school, I talk to myself constantly in my head. The things I say to myself people would usually say to their friends, but I don’t feel close to anyone at school to share my opinions, I’ve often attempted sharing my opinions, but I made the wrong decision and the person I told would spread it like crazy.
That’s why no one really knows much about me.
To overcome my shyness, I joined a theatre group, I have kept this a secret since June 2013. No one at school knows about this because I knew that if I told someone, they would make fun of me, or tell someone else and they would make fun of me. I feel more at home there, all the people are friendly and silly. But I am still known as ‘one of the quiet ones’ and I can’t help that. When I go for auditions, I try to sing, but I can’t. I can’t even sing in front of my mum without feel awkward. This hurts because I know I am decent singer, and would getter better parts if I was less shy.
One of the most painful parts of being shy is the fact I can’t even talk to my Dad normally.
When I start college, I am going to try and change. Try and talk to everyone like I have known them for years. But I know that it will be super challenging and people that I have known for years may drift away from the confident version of me.
I’m sorry this is so depressing but I hope that there is someone out there who understands this and doesn’t think ‘just shape up’.
Have a fun life! 🙂