I used to think that I was just very shy. But that’s not it. I’m beyond shy. Having social anxiety is awful. It is not something that someone says just for attention. It literally ruins your life. It snatches opportunities away from you. Just because you don’t have the confidence to say anything that you think people may judge you on. Urgh…
Here a few examples of how I think when I am doing everyday things:
Crossing the road when the lights are beeping:
“All these cars are going to be so mad at me!”
“Do I say thank you even though they’re forced to stop? Just keep your head down!”
“Am I walking funny? They’re judging me! Hurry up!”
“Should I look faward or down? I’ll look too confident if I look up but I’ll look depressed looking down!’
“Don’t trip, don’t slip, don’t sneeze or they’ll laugh at you!”
Walking down a school corridor:
“That girl just looked at me, I bet they’re talking about me!”
“Am I walking funny?”
“They all think I’m a loner because I’m walking alone!”
“Do I look forward or down! Not this again!?!”
“Do I smell? Can they smell me?”
“Don’t drop anything because literally everyone will look at you!”
“That person is going to say something to me! PANIC PANIC PANIC!”
Teacher picks you to answer the question:
“Do I look at the teacher or my book?”
“What do I do with my hands when I speak?”
“Oh no, I’m turning red. I can feel it!”
“That person is whispering the answer to me but I can’t hear them! What do I do!?”
“I’ve been quiet for 5 seconds! Do I say I don’t know or just burst into tears?”
“Just let someone else answer!!!!”
You think I’m joking, but I seriously have to cope with this every single day! How do you know someone is judging you or not? Isn’t everyone always judging you? That is what worries me!
The strange thing is that I don’t mind performing on stage. I think it’s because i’m not acting as myself. But if it was infront of everyone that I know I would throw up.
Having social anxiety forces me to move away from everyone. I sit on my own when I study, when none of my friends (but that I mean my one proper friend who also has social anxiety. We kinda joke about it.) are in, I walk but the river, eating my lunch alone. It sounds really sad but I like being alone. I hate parties, crowds, even busy shops because I feel like I am always getting in other people’s way.
I think teacher realise as soon as they start teaching me that I have some sort of anxiety. So they don’t really mind if I go blank when they ask me something. I appreciate that.
Having a brother doesn’t help. A few days ago I cut myself shaving just before college and I had to go in with a red blob on my jaw bone. I covered it up while working by making it look like I was leaning on my hand. I managed to get through the day. But when I got home my brother says “you didn’t go into college with that on your face did you?”
Wow. Thanks bro…
Aaaanyway. That’s enough about my life. Go have a cup of tea!!!
Have a fun life! 🙂