Social anxiety: What it had done to me…

If you don’t like emotional posts, please don’t read.

My last post was about social anxiety. Since then I have noticed it getting worse. I lock myself away from the outside world. I trap myself in holes that I know I can’t get out of. My relatives are beginning to worry about me. 

I only have one friend. Like I said before, he also suffers from social anxiety. I met him in primary school and we are now in college together. However we hardly see each other now due to completely different timetables.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I have no one to eat lunch with. Everyone ignores me and I ignore them. If I stay in college during the 1 hour lunch break, I feel like everyone is judging me, thinking of me as a loner. Which I kind of am…

I do what I feel is the only solution: I isolate myself from the rest of the world by going to the river next to the college. No one from he college ever goes there, I only see dog walkers who seem fine with me. Some avoid eye contact because aparantly teens are dangerous. Anyway, I walk by the river, eating my lunch, listening to a podcast or just listening to the birds and and wind.

I love exploring, and I was able to find a way into the woods. I follow the tiny pathway that hasn’t been used by anyone in years apart from high teenagers on a Friday night. And just stand there, eating my lunch. Thinking about how lonely I am. I talk to myself, because I feel like I am the only person who understands.

I know what you’re thinking: “He is crazy”. But honestly, I’m beginning to think I’m crazy too…

Once I finish my lunch, I head back to college. I stand on my phone or I go to the library and sit on my own. But there is always that one group of friends who keep staring at me. Whenever I glance at them, they look away, but that do it slow enough so that I know they are talking about me. I don’t know these people. But they know I am shy, I am lonely, and I probably have anxiety. So they like to turn the anxiety up a notch by simply staring at me.

At home, I feel like the only friends I have are YouTubers, at least one YouTuber is like you. I watch their videos, I laugh along with them, I react to what they’re saying and I imaging myself meeting them, and becoming the best of friends.

I know that I shouldn’t lock myself out, but sometimes, I feel like there is no other option.

 I have tried to destroy my social anxiety on my own, but it has just made it worse. I would talk to complete strangers online. Mostly gay men because they would actually want to talk. Unfortunately I was foolish and carried on talking to them, even when they began to sound creepy. But I thought that at the end of the day, it’ll be worth it.

I did some terrible things when talking to them strangers online. But I felt like it would help me feel more confident in myself. I’m not going to say what it was that I did. But this is the most I have ever said about it.

And what I did will haunt me forever. 

Anyway, I’m sorry if this changed how you think of me. I understand.

But like always, I just want to say…

Have a fun life! 🙂

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