I feel like I’m getting to the end of my journey from childhood to adulthood. There have been some great times. Like passing all my GCSE’s, getting into the college I always wanted to go to and joining a drama group. But there have also been a lot of tough times. A lot.
But I feel like this finale is going to be the toughest. I know who I am as a person, I know my flaws, I know my specialties. But I feel a lot more lonely since joining college. I didn’t have many friends in high school. And though that I did have went to a different college to me. I suddenly feel trapped. Like I literally have no one to talk to. That’s because I don’t.
There will be another blog post about this, but I finally think that I am bisexual, well, heteroromantic bisexual. But bisexual is part of it. And I don’t want he whole ‘coming out’ thing to be a big deal. But I do feel like i need to tell someone. But honestly, my family aren’t the best when it comes to LGBT+ Community. They will most definitely see me in a different way. But I need to tell them.
I recently watched Shane Dawson’s coming out video about being bisexual and it was the first video on YouTube to ever make me cry. Like fully cry. I felt like I finally found someone who knows what I’m going through. Of course I can’t talk to Shane, thousands of his fans are wanting to talk to him. But I’m just glad he would understand if I were to tell him.
Then there is the big boy: Social anxiety. This monster affects everything in my life possible. Coming out, making friends, talking to someone, getting a job, basically living. The thing that I hate the most is that all the people that I feel like I can connect to about this the most are internet celebrities who have millions of fans all over the world. They’re my true friends. Joe Garrett (Stampy) Beth Bates (Sqaishey) Colleen, Shane, Gabbie… So that got me thinking. Should I make a YouTube channel? Just to talk to a camera about my issues. I wouldn’t care about how many subscribers I get, how many haters there are. I just want to have a friend that I can trust and relate to.
Although I want a good friend, I also want to be alone more than ever. I’m tired of sharing a room with my 20 year old brother. Im sick of waiting for someone to stop using the internet in our house so that my videos don’t buffer. I know these seem like typical first world problems, but for some reason, they seem so much worse at the moment, I just want to cry or smash something if my video pauses every 2 seconds.
I just wanted to write this because I’m having a tough evening. I probably sound like a right depressing slug. But i made this wordpress account to share all the feelings I’m too scared to share with anyone in person.
Have a fun life! 🙂