50 facts about me

Here we go:

1: I live in England

2: I own a Jack Russell

3: I’m oddly obsessed with the RMS Titanic

4: I take Media Studies, Photography and English Language as AS level and A level

5: I have an older brother

6: I have a younger sister

7: My favourite movie is The Hunger Games

8: My favourite game is Minecraft

9: I have no label

10: My favourite YouTuber range from Stampy Cat to Miranda Sings

11: I don’t like tomatoes

12: I have social anxiety

13: I hated school

14: I passed all my GCSE’s

15: My favourite TV show is The Big Bang Theory

16: My favourite actor is Josh Hutcherson

17: I tried sending him fan mail but I did it wrong

!!!! UPDATE: IT TURNS OUT I DID IT RIGHTS AND HE SEND A ‘SIGNED’ (it was autopen) PHOTO BACK. THANKS JOSH!!!!

18: I go to a theatre club

19: I have been in 8 of their shows so far

20: I can dance (ish)

21: I lip sync like a pro

22: I can ‘crack’ my eyelids

23: I would like to act in a horror movie

24: I like being alone

25: I am a pro ‘awkward dancer’

26: I have long eyelashes

27: I love hoodies

28: I don’t smoke

29: I share a room with my brother

30: My favourite holiday is Christmas

31: I’m slightly OCD

32: My favourite animal is a dog

33: I have my breakfast a night

34: I believe in ghosts

35: I believe in aliens

36: My favourite music genre is Musical

37: In year 4 I wet myself on stage

38: I’m scared of clowns

39: My favourite number is 12

40: I don’t drink alcohol often

41: I would like to go to Canada

42: I would like to be an actor

43: I have one brown eye and ones greeny-brown eye

44: I’m an animal lover

45: I’m for equality

46: I am prone to spelling errors

47: My favourite emoji is 😋

48: I hate spending money

49: I have size 8 feet

50: I need the toilet

Have a fun life! :)<<
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Heteroromantic Bisexual?

Yes, I would call myself Heteroflexible. The term that means I am attracted to both genders, but I am mostly straight and I would not date/marry the same sex.
However after further research, I came to realise that there is another term which means a similar thing:

Heteroromantic Bisexual

You can probably guess what it means by reading it. But if not, it means you are sexually attracted to both male and females (would have a sexual relationship with them), but you’re only remantically attracted to the opposite sex (would marry/date/fall in love with them).

I know, they are basically the same thing. But some people say they are different things. Some people say that Heteroflexible means you would only have a physical relationship with the same sex if you were drunk, curious etc. But some people think it just means the same as Heteroromantic Bisexual.

And then, of course, there are the small minded people who say that they both are just closeted versions on Bisexual.

Well let me tell you something. It’s not easy for someone to just label themselves something they are uncomfortable with. Yes, they mean you are attracted to both sexes in some way or another, but for some people, Bisexual just doesn’t feel right and probably never will. These categories allow individuals to share who they are without feeling like they are being too general.

In conclusion to this rant: Bisexual is a very unspecific, general term. There are more precise terms like the ones above that make people feel more comfortable.

Anyway, rant over…

So what do you think? Are they the same thing or are they slightly different?

Have a fun life! 🙂

Tough times

I feel like I’m getting to the end of my journey from childhood to adulthood. There have been some great times. Like passing all my GCSE’s, getting into the college I always wanted to go to and joining a drama group. But there have also been a lot of tough times. A lot.

But I feel like this finale is going to be the toughest. I know who I am as a person, I know my flaws, I know my specialties. But I feel a lot more lonely since joining college. I didn’t have many friends in high school. And though that I did have went to a different college to me. I suddenly feel trapped. Like I literally have no one to talk to. That’s because I don’t.

There will be another blog post about this, but I finally think that I am bisexual, well, heteroromantic bisexual. But bisexual is part of it. And I don’t want he whole ‘coming out’ thing to be a big deal. But I do feel like i need to tell someone. But honestly, my family aren’t the best when it comes to LGBT+ Community. They will most definitely see me in a different way. But I need to tell them.

I recently watched Shane Dawson’s coming out video about being bisexual and it was the first video on YouTube to ever make me cry. Like fully cry. I felt like I finally found someone who knows what I’m going through. Of course I can’t talk to Shane, thousands of his fans are wanting to talk to him. But I’m just glad he would understand if I were to tell him.

Then there is the big boy: Social anxiety. This monster affects everything in my life possible. Coming out, making friends, talking to someone, getting a job, basically living. The thing that I hate the most is that all the people that I feel like I can connect to about this the most are internet celebrities who have millions of fans all over the world. They’re my true friends. Joe Garrett (Stampy) Beth Bates (Sqaishey) Colleen, Shane, Gabbie… So that got me thinking. Should I make a YouTube channel? Just to talk to a camera about my issues. I wouldn’t care about how many subscribers I get, how many haters there are. I just want to have a friend that I can trust and relate to.

Although I want a good friend, I also want to be alone more than ever. I’m tired of sharing a room with my 20 year old brother. Im sick of waiting for someone to stop using the internet in our house so that my videos don’t buffer. I know these seem like typical first world problems, but for some reason, they seem so much worse at the moment, I just want to cry or smash something if my video pauses every 2 seconds.

I just wanted to write this because I’m having a tough evening. I probably sound like a right depressing slug. But i made this wordpress account to share all the feelings I’m too scared to share with anyone in person.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Social anxiety: What it had done to me…

If you don’t like emotional posts, please don’t read.

My last post was about social anxiety. Since then I have noticed it getting worse. I lock myself away from the outside world. I trap myself in holes that I know I can’t get out of. My relatives are beginning to worry about me. 

I only have one friend. Like I said before, he also suffers from social anxiety. I met him in primary school and we are now in college together. However we hardly see each other now due to completely different timetables.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I have no one to eat lunch with. Everyone ignores me and I ignore them. If I stay in college during the 1 hour lunch break, I feel like everyone is judging me, thinking of me as a loner. Which I kind of am…

I do what I feel is the only solution: I isolate myself from the rest of the world by going to the river next to the college. No one from he college ever goes there, I only see dog walkers who seem fine with me. Some avoid eye contact because aparantly teens are dangerous. Anyway, I walk by the river, eating my lunch, listening to a podcast or just listening to the birds and and wind.

I love exploring, and I was able to find a way into the woods. I follow the tiny pathway that hasn’t been used by anyone in years apart from high teenagers on a Friday night. And just stand there, eating my lunch. Thinking about how lonely I am. I talk to myself, because I feel like I am the only person who understands.

I know what you’re thinking: “He is crazy”. But honestly, I’m beginning to think I’m crazy too…

Once I finish my lunch, I head back to college. I stand on my phone or I go to the library and sit on my own. But there is always that one group of friends who keep staring at me. Whenever I glance at them, they look away, but that do it slow enough so that I know they are talking about me. I don’t know these people. But they know I am shy, I am lonely, and I probably have anxiety. So they like to turn the anxiety up a notch by simply staring at me.

At home, I feel like the only friends I have are YouTubers, at least one YouTuber is like you. I watch their videos, I laugh along with them, I react to what they’re saying and I imaging myself meeting them, and becoming the best of friends.

I know that I shouldn’t lock myself out, but sometimes, I feel like there is no other option.

 I have tried to destroy my social anxiety on my own, but it has just made it worse. I would talk to complete strangers online. Mostly gay men because they would actually want to talk. Unfortunately I was foolish and carried on talking to them, even when they began to sound creepy. But I thought that at the end of the day, it’ll be worth it.

I did some terrible things when talking to them strangers online. But I felt like it would help me feel more confident in myself. I’m not going to say what it was that I did. But this is the most I have ever said about it.

And what I did will haunt me forever. 

Anyway, I’m sorry if this changed how you think of me. I understand.

But like always, I just want to say…

Have a fun life! 🙂

Social Anxiety 

I used to think that I was just very shy. But that’s not it. I’m beyond shy. Having social anxiety is awful. It is not something that someone says just for attention. It literally ruins your life. It snatches opportunities away from you. Just because you don’t have the confidence to say anything that you think people may judge you on. Urgh…

Here a few examples of how I think when I am doing everyday things:

Crossing the road when the lights are beeping

“All these cars are going to be so mad at me!”

“Do I say thank you even though they’re forced to stop? Just keep your head down!”

“Am I walking funny? They’re judging me! Hurry up!”

“Should I look faward or down? I’ll look too confident if I look up but I’ll look depressed looking down!’

“Don’t trip, don’t slip, don’t sneeze or they’ll laugh at you!”

Walking down a school corridor:

“That girl just looked at me, I bet they’re talking about me!”

“Am I walking funny?”

“They all think I’m a loner because I’m walking alone!”

“Do I look forward or down! Not this again!?!”

“Do I smell? Can they smell me?”

“Don’t drop anything because literally everyone will look at you!”

“That person is going to say something to me! PANIC PANIC PANIC!”

Teacher picks you to answer the question:

“Do I look at the teacher or my book?”

“What do I do with my hands when I speak?”

“Oh no, I’m turning red. I can feel it!”

“That person is whispering the answer to me but I can’t hear them! What do I do!?”

“I’ve been quiet for 5 seconds! Do I say I don’t know or just burst into tears?”

“Just let someone else answer!!!!”
You think I’m joking, but I seriously have to cope with this every single day! How do you know someone is judging you or not? Isn’t everyone always judging you? That is what worries me!

The strange thing is that I don’t mind performing on stage. I think it’s because i’m not acting as myself. But if it was infront of everyone that I know I would throw up.

Having social anxiety forces me to move away from everyone. I sit on my own when I study, when none of my friends (but that I mean my one proper friend who also has social anxiety. We kinda joke about it.) are in, I walk but the river, eating my lunch alone. It sounds really sad but I like being alone. I hate parties, crowds, even busy shops because I feel like I am always getting in other people’s way.

I think teacher realise as soon as they start teaching me that I have some sort of anxiety. So they don’t really mind if I go blank when they ask me something. I appreciate that.

Having a brother doesn’t help. A few days ago I cut myself shaving just before college and I had to go in with a red blob on my jaw bone. I covered it up while working by making it look like I was leaning on my hand. I managed to get through the day. But when I got home my brother says “you didn’t go into college with that on your face did you?” 

Wow. Thanks bro…

Aaaanyway. That’s enough about my life. Go have a cup of tea!!!

Have a fun life! 🙂

Heteroflexible 

Since coming out to myself as heteroflexible, I have notice that a lot of people are against the term. Some say we’re just biphobic or in denial. We’re not. Heteroflexible means mostly straight. No one is 100% straight or gay. So in other words, everyone is Heteroflexible or Homoflexible.

Another thing that people say about us is that we are bi curious. In a way that is true. But bi curious is kinda like when someone wants to try being in a gay relationship, and after that they chooses who they are. Heteroflexible people know who they are, they are Heteroflexible. And yes, it is a real sexuality.

If we were given the choice to either label ourselves or not, I would choose not to. We are all human and I don’t understand why we should be grouped in a way like this.

Why should we be worried to come out to our loved ones, when it doesn’t even effect them in any way whatsoever.

So in conclusion, Heteroflexible/homoflexible are sexualities, everyone is a little bit of them (if we had to label ourselves). 

Sorry that this is such a short post but it had to be said. 

Have a fun life! 🙂

My Sexuality III

Ok ok. So in my last ‘my sexuality’ post, I stated that I am straight. Which, in a way is true. However after much more research, I found out who I truly, truly am.

I am Heteroflexible.

Yeah I know it’s a mouthful. But I really do think that this is who I am. It is basically the verge between straight and bi. From Wikipedia, the definition is:

“Heteroflexibility is a form of a sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation that is considered to distinguish it from bisexuality. It has been characterized as “mostly straight””

So in that case the only other person I ‘know’ who is heteroflexible is my role model, Mr Josh Hutcherson. He also considers himself mostly straight. This makes me feel much more comfortable saying this because a celebrity has come out saying it and has been accepted. So why can’t I do that same.

By calling myself hetroflexable, I am not saying that I agree with labels. I’m only calling myself Heteroflexible if I had to label myself. If not, then I’m human, just like everyone else.

Now for the confusing part:

What do I put if the options are Straight,  Bisexual and Gay?

I’m pretty sure this will be my last post about my sexuality. But I’m happy I could share my ‘travels’ with you.

Have a fun life! 🙂

My Role Model

We all have a role model, someone to look up to. It’s great to have one, they keep your hopes high.

Who is my role model? Well for a long time is was YouTubers, people who became famous from doing next to nothing. I still think they are great, hilarious and inspirational. But my role model is someone who most boys wouldn’t think of:

Josh Hutcherson

This actor has inspired me. And I mean REALLY inspired me to become an actor, he is just so similar to me. When other actors talk about him, I can’t help but relate. He seems like the kind of person who would be nice to anyone, no matter who they are.

That brings me to the ‘Straight But Not Narrow’ group. This is the group that I have been looking for, a place for the LGBT and straight to join together. Josh Hutcherson is part of the SBNN community and he does a lot! Straight but not narrow basically means an open minded straight person. So to put it simpler- Me. Or another way to put it is- Josh.

Another similarity…

(I am trying very hard not to sound like a stalker here)

Of course, Joshs career boosted massively after The Hunger Games. During one of the thousand interviews, Josh stated that he wanted to be Peeta because he can relate to him massively. Umm… So can I…

Most of Hutchersons fans are teenage girls who a kinda creepy of Twitter, ( I mean seriously, why would you call a guy who is a few years older than you ‘Daddy’?) but I am a fan for a different reason, because he is a talented actor who has worked incredibly hard to be where he is today.

Also he likes dogs. I like dogs.

Woof…

I know it sounds kinda crazy but if there is any way in which someone could get Josh to see this, it would be greatly appreciated. 🙂

Have a fun life! 🙂

Relationship Status: Still Single

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? But I’m still here

I recently finished all of my GCSE’s, it has been the most stressful time in my life!

But I now have 2 1/2 months to relax…

So what should I do? I’m not the socialable type so I don’t go out very much. But what I would like… Is a partner…

I’m 16 and I still haven’t had a girlfriend. For some people this may seem normal, but I want to have a ‘partner in crime’, someone who is my best friend as well as my lover. (This must sound so cringey).

I am extremely picky when it comes to the perfect match. I don’t 100% know what my ideal partner would look like. I’m not into the show off girls who paint themselves in make up. I want to be with someone who is naturally a piece of art. (More cringe!)

I have had crushes on girls at school, but I have eventually gotten bored. However there is one girl who has caught my eye. She is pretty, she has my sense of humour, she isn’t a show off, she’s intelligent. Most of my boxes have been ticked. But there is one in particular that remains empty:

She is too popular for me…

In my last post, I expressed how much I hate being shy, and here is another reason. I cannot talk to the girl I have a crush on.

I keep trying to force myself to start talking to her on social media, but I don’t think I am her type. She has a huge crush on another boy in my year. He is tall, confident, naughty, boastful and charming… The complete opposite of me.

But I shall not let this ruin my summer! 

Let me know if you are stuck in the same sticky situation as myself.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Being Shy

I hate being shy…
Ok, so everyone who knows me will know that I am super shy. It takes about a year for me to talk to someone like a normal human being, and that is only if I see them regularly. But there are lots of people who I know that I wish I could talk to without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

Sometimes, I have a funny comment that I know everyone would appreciate if I said it, but because I am shy, I keep it in my head and no one will ever hear it. Once more, if I force myself to say something, I usually say it too quietly or quickly so that no one will hear and they fun is lost. If I wasn’t shy, I think I would feel a lot more welcome into the world. At the moment, I feel like I’m trapped in my own cage and the only person who notices all my emotions is me. I’m not saying that people are ignoring me; I’m saying I don’t have the courage to share my thoughts and feelings with others.

During some classes at school, people notice me listening in to other people’s conversations, and when they say something funny I laugh to myself. Then people would ask, “Why are you laughing?”. It’s because I am trying to get involved in others peoples conversations, and maybe, just maybe, they might notice and welcome me to join in.

I feel comfortable with the people I hang around with at school, mainly because they have been though the pain that I feel. And I can join in to any of there conversations without seeming nosey or rude.

Because of my shyness, I spend a lot of my time wearing headphones, so that I don’t have to embarrass myself in front of any of my family. I feel close to the people who I watch on YouTube as they are also shy and occasionally feel awkward. I see them as family members, or friends who – if I ever met – I could share all my problems with, and they would understand.

I feel as if I am constantly repeating myself here, but I see it as the hardest obstacle to overcome in my life. People say that shyness is a disability, which I think is right. I feel like being shy cuts a huge chunk out of my personality. If you asked my mum, brother or sister how I act at home, you would be quite surprised. I am probably still the quietest at home, but I am bubbly, happy and quite random at times, (like yesterday, when I said my favourite word was “browse”).

At school, I talk to myself constantly in my head. The things I say to myself people would usually say to their friends, but I don’t feel close to anyone at school to share my opinions, I’ve often attempted sharing my opinions, but I made the wrong decision and the person I told would spread it like crazy. 

That’s why no one really knows much about me.

To overcome my shyness, I joined a theatre group, I have kept this a secret since June 2013. No one at school knows about this because I knew that if I told someone, they would make fun of me, or tell someone else and they would make fun of me. I feel more at home there, all the people are friendly and silly. But I am still known as ‘one of the quiet ones’ and I can’t help that. When I go for auditions, I try to sing, but I can’t. I can’t even sing in front of my mum without feel awkward. This hurts because I know I am decent singer, and would getter better parts if I was less shy.

One of the most painful parts of being shy is the fact I can’t even talk to my Dad normally.

When I start college, I am going to try and change. Try and talk to everyone like I have known them for years. But I know that it will be super challenging and people that I have known for years may drift away from the confident version of me.

I’m sorry this is so depressing but I hope that there is someone out there who understands this and doesn’t think ‘just shape up’.

Have a fun life! 🙂