Social Anxiety 

I used to think that I was just very shy. But that’s not it. I’m beyond shy. Having social anxiety is awful. It is not something that someone says just for attention. It literally ruins your life. It snatches opportunities away from you. Just because you don’t have the confidence to say anything that you think people may judge you on. Urgh…

Here a few examples of how I think when I am doing everyday things:

Crossing the road when the lights are beeping

“All these cars are going to be so mad at me!”

“Do I say thank you even though they’re forced to stop? Just keep your head down!”

“Am I walking funny? They’re judging me! Hurry up!”

“Should I look faward or down? I’ll look too confident if I look up but I’ll look depressed looking down!’

“Don’t trip, don’t slip, don’t sneeze or they’ll laugh at you!”

Walking down a school corridor:

“That girl just looked at me, I bet they’re talking about me!”

“Am I walking funny?”

“They all think I’m a loner because I’m walking alone!”

“Do I look forward or down! Not this again!?!”

“Do I smell? Can they smell me?”

“Don’t drop anything because literally everyone will look at you!”

“That person is going to say something to me! PANIC PANIC PANIC!”

Teacher picks you to answer the question:

“Do I look at the teacher or my book?”

“What do I do with my hands when I speak?”

“Oh no, I’m turning red. I can feel it!”

“That person is whispering the answer to me but I can’t hear them! What do I do!?”

“I’ve been quiet for 5 seconds! Do I say I don’t know or just burst into tears?”

“Just let someone else answer!!!!”
You think I’m joking, but I seriously have to cope with this every single day! How do you know someone is judging you or not? Isn’t everyone always judging you? That is what worries me!

The strange thing is that I don’t mind performing on stage. I think it’s because i’m not acting as myself. But if it was infront of everyone that I know I would throw up.

Having social anxiety forces me to move away from everyone. I sit on my own when I study, when none of my friends (but that I mean my one proper friend who also has social anxiety. We kinda joke about it.) are in, I walk but the river, eating my lunch alone. It sounds really sad but I like being alone. I hate parties, crowds, even busy shops because I feel like I am always getting in other people’s way.

I think teacher realise as soon as they start teaching me that I have some sort of anxiety. So they don’t really mind if I go blank when they ask me something. I appreciate that.

Having a brother doesn’t help. A few days ago I cut myself shaving just before college and I had to go in with a red blob on my jaw bone. I covered it up while working by making it look like I was leaning on my hand. I managed to get through the day. But when I got home my brother says “you didn’t go into college with that on your face did you?” 

Wow. Thanks bro…

Aaaanyway. That’s enough about my life. Go have a cup of tea!!!

Have a fun life! 🙂

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Heteroflexible 

Since coming out to myself as heteroflexible, I have notice that a lot of people are against the term. Some say we’re just biphobic or in denial. We’re not. Heteroflexible means mostly straight. No one is 100% straight or gay. So in other words, everyone is Heteroflexible or Homoflexible.

Another thing that people say about us is that we are bi curious. In a way that is true. But bi curious is kinda like when someone wants to try being in a gay relationship, and after that they chooses who they are. Heteroflexible people know who they are, they are Heteroflexible. And yes, it is a real sexuality.

If we were given the choice to either label ourselves or not, I would choose not to. We are all human and I don’t understand why we should be grouped in a way like this.

Why should we be worried to come out to our loved ones, when it doesn’t even effect them in any way whatsoever.

So in conclusion, Heteroflexible/homoflexible are sexualities, everyone is a little bit of them (if we had to label ourselves). 

Sorry that this is such a short post but it had to be said. 

Have a fun life! 🙂

My Sexuality III

Ok ok. So in my last ‘my sexuality’ post, I stated that I am straight. Which, in a way is true. However after much more research, I found out who I truly, truly am.

I am Heteroflexible.

Yeah I know it’s a mouthful. But I really do think that this is who I am. It is basically the verge between straight and bi. From Wikipedia, the definition is:

“Heteroflexibility is a form of a sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation that is considered to distinguish it from bisexuality. It has been characterized as “mostly straight””

So in that case the only other person I ‘know’ who is heteroflexible is my role model, Mr Josh Hutcherson. He also considers himself mostly straight. This makes me feel much more comfortable saying this because a celebrity has come out saying it and has been accepted. So why can’t I do that same.

By calling myself hetroflexable, I am not saying that I agree with labels. I’m only calling myself Heteroflexible if I had to label myself. If not, then I’m human, just like everyone else.

Now for the confusing part:

What do I put if the options are Straight,  Bisexual and Gay?

I’m pretty sure this will be my last post about my sexuality. But I’m happy I could share my ‘travels’ with you.

Have a fun life! 🙂

My Role Model

We all have a role model, someone to look up to. It’s great to have one, they keep your hopes high.

Who is my role model? Well for a long time is was YouTubers, people who became famous from doing next to nothing. I still think they are great, hilarious and inspirational. But my role model is someone who most boys wouldn’t think of:

Josh Hutcherson

This actor has inspired me. And I mean REALLY inspired me to become an actor, he is just so similar to me. When other actors talk about him, I can’t help but relate. He seems like the kind of person who would be nice to anyone, no matter who they are.

That brings me to the ‘Straight But Not Narrow’ group. This is the group that I have been looking for, a place for the LGBT and straight to join together. Josh Hutcherson is part of the SBNN community and he does a lot! Straight but not narrow basically means an open minded straight person. So to put it simpler- Me. Or another way to put it is- Josh.

Another similarity…

(I am trying very hard not to sound like a stalker here)

Of course, Joshs career boosted massively after The Hunger Games. During one of the thousand interviews, Josh stated that he wanted to be Peeta because he can relate to him massively. Umm… So can I…

Most of Hutchersons fans are teenage girls who a kinda creepy of Twitter, ( I mean seriously, why would you call a guy who is a few years older than you ‘Daddy’?) but I am a fan for a different reason, because he is a talented actor who has worked incredibly hard to be where he is today.

Also he likes dogs. I like dogs.

Woof…

I know it sounds kinda crazy but if there is any way in which someone could get Josh to see this, it would be greatly appreciated. 🙂

Have a fun life! 🙂

Relationship Status: Still Single

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? But I’m still here

I recently finished all of my GCSE’s, it has been the most stressful time in my life!

But I now have 2 1/2 months to relax…

So what should I do? I’m not the socialable type so I don’t go out very much. But what I would like… Is a partner…

I’m 16 and I still haven’t had a girlfriend. For some people this may seem normal, but I want to have a ‘partner in crime’, someone who is my best friend as well as my lover. (This must sound so cringey).

I am extremely picky when it comes to the perfect match. I don’t 100% know what my ideal partner would look like. I’m not into the show off girls who paint themselves in make up. I want to be with someone who is naturally a piece of art. (More cringe!)

I have had crushes on girls at school, but I have eventually gotten bored. However there is one girl who has caught my eye. She is pretty, she has my sense of humour, she isn’t a show off, she’s intelligent. Most of my boxes have been ticked. But there is one in particular that remains empty:

She is too popular for me…

In my last post, I expressed how much I hate being shy, and here is another reason. I cannot talk to the girl I have a crush on.

I keep trying to force myself to start talking to her on social media, but I don’t think I am her type. She has a huge crush on another boy in my year. He is tall, confident, naughty, boastful and charming… The complete opposite of me.

But I shall not let this ruin my summer! 

Let me know if you are stuck in the same sticky situation as myself.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Being Shy

I hate being shy…
Ok, so everyone who knows me will know that I am super shy. It takes about a year for me to talk to someone like a normal human being, and that is only if I see them regularly. But there are lots of people who I know that I wish I could talk to without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

Sometimes, I have a funny comment that I know everyone would appreciate if I said it, but because I am shy, I keep it in my head and no one will ever hear it. Once more, if I force myself to say something, I usually say it too quietly or quickly so that no one will hear and they fun is lost. If I wasn’t shy, I think I would feel a lot more welcome into the world. At the moment, I feel like I’m trapped in my own cage and the only person who notices all my emotions is me. I’m not saying that people are ignoring me; I’m saying I don’t have the courage to share my thoughts and feelings with others.

During some classes at school, people notice me listening in to other people’s conversations, and when they say something funny I laugh to myself. Then people would ask, “Why are you laughing?”. It’s because I am trying to get involved in others peoples conversations, and maybe, just maybe, they might notice and welcome me to join in.

I feel comfortable with the people I hang around with at school, mainly because they have been though the pain that I feel. And I can join in to any of there conversations without seeming nosey or rude.

Because of my shyness, I spend a lot of my time wearing headphones, so that I don’t have to embarrass myself in front of any of my family. I feel close to the people who I watch on YouTube as they are also shy and occasionally feel awkward. I see them as family members, or friends who – if I ever met – I could share all my problems with, and they would understand.

I feel as if I am constantly repeating myself here, but I see it as the hardest obstacle to overcome in my life. People say that shyness is a disability, which I think is right. I feel like being shy cuts a huge chunk out of my personality. If you asked my mum, brother or sister how I act at home, you would be quite surprised. I am probably still the quietest at home, but I am bubbly, happy and quite random at times, (like yesterday, when I said my favourite word was “browse”).

At school, I talk to myself constantly in my head. The things I say to myself people would usually say to their friends, but I don’t feel close to anyone at school to share my opinions, I’ve often attempted sharing my opinions, but I made the wrong decision and the person I told would spread it like crazy. 

That’s why no one really knows much about me.

To overcome my shyness, I joined a theatre group, I have kept this a secret since June 2013. No one at school knows about this because I knew that if I told someone, they would make fun of me, or tell someone else and they would make fun of me. I feel more at home there, all the people are friendly and silly. But I am still known as ‘one of the quiet ones’ and I can’t help that. When I go for auditions, I try to sing, but I can’t. I can’t even sing in front of my mum without feel awkward. This hurts because I know I am decent singer, and would getter better parts if I was less shy.

One of the most painful parts of being shy is the fact I can’t even talk to my Dad normally.

When I start college, I am going to try and change. Try and talk to everyone like I have known them for years. But I know that it will be super challenging and people that I have known for years may drift away from the confident version of me.

I’m sorry this is so depressing but I hope that there is someone out there who understands this and doesn’t think ‘just shape up’.

Have a fun life! 🙂

My sexuality II

BEFORE YOU READ THIS. PLEASE READ MY SEXUALITY FIRST. THANKS.

I’ve done some research since the last sexuality post and I have finally, 100% realised the truth to who I really am.

I am straight.

I know I said before that I have sexual thoughts about guys, but I realised that most guys do that and that it’s a natural thing. I finally feel confident with calling myself straight.

I felt 98% okay calling myself gender neutral, but i knew people would get the wrong idea if I told them.

I’m just glad I’m not the only one in this boat of emotions.

I’m sorry this post is shorter but I just wanted to put it out there that I am straight and confident to be straight.

Have a fun life! 🙂

Bullies :(

We all know what these creatures are, don’t we? The cowards who take their anger out on people who may not be as popular, strong or as confident as them.

I’ve been bullied multiple times in the past. It’s never been too serious, but enough to upset me.

I got picked on as soon as I stepped for into High School for being the smallest in the year. People – especially boys in the year above – would point and laugh, occasionally called me ‘shorty’ or ‘midget’. I’d never been bullied before, so this really scared me so I told my mum. She said I should ignore them to show that it’s not upsetting me so that the bullies will eventually get bored and move on.

It kinda worked. They would still laugh at me, though. One boy once started pushing me around when we were going to class. When I walked past a door that students shouldn’t got through, he shoved me into it and said “Aww! You shouldn’t go in there!” Luckily my brother saw this and confronted him. It made me laugh to see him look so pathetic. This sort of bullying continued until the end my 4th year at High School.  But it is nothing compared to what other kids have to go through.

In year 8, I got bullied pretty harshly in Maths when the teacher changed the ‘seating plan’. She put me next to a popular girl. She was only popular because she scared everyone.

The first lesson was ok. I got on with my work while she gossiped to her girlfriends. But in the second lesson, she started trying to force me to swear. I hate swearing so I refused. When she realised I was putting up a fight she began to draw on my work. She wrote ‘swear swear swear’ on the corner or ‘F****** swear!” And other comments like that. I quickly scribbled them out. But when she saw me do that she stole my book and said I’m not allowed to do any work until a swore. I still refused.

After what seemed like hours, the lesson finally finished. I decided to not tell anyone about what happened in case she found out and hurt me even more.

In our next lesson, she did the same thing. She took my work, shoved her work informant of me and told me to do her work instead. She also began spraying me with her perfume (which could have seriously affected my breathing if I was asthmatic). One of her ‘followers’ noticed and told her to stop. I’m not sure if she was being sarcastic or not but the bully continued.

You’re probably wondering how the teacher didn’t see any of this, it’s because the whole class was uncontrollable and we sere sat at the very back of the classroom.

When that lesson finished, I finally gave in and told the teacher. I was at the verge of tears but the teacher understood and said that I was one of her star students. She said that she will talk to the bullies parents at parents evening and move her some place else in the classroom.

The bully would give me dirty looks after that, she even said ‘This is all your fault!’, but she never did anything mean to me again. 

That’s all my sort about bullies and how I beat them! You can too! Just tell someone and show that you are not afraid of them!
Have a fun life! 🙂

High School Hauntings

I believe in ghosts. 100%. And there is one in my school.

Opening doors, seeing figures, whispers. All of this, people have witnessed since the beginning of my school life.

Apparently he’s called Oliver. A soldier or student who continues to walk up and down the corridor between the toilets and the Head of English’s office. A teacher – I’m not sure which one – says that they have seen him multiple times. Pretty spooky.

I’ve witnessed it, too. Once, while in a biology lesson, the door fully opened all by its own. Everyone waited for someone to enter the room but they never did. Creeped out, a student checked to see if someone had done a ‘knock and run’, but no one seemed to be around. This was my first experience. It could have been the wind, but the doors are pretty big and heavy. And I’m pretty sure all the windows were shut as there is a wasps nest just outside.

My second experience was just me. It was terrifying. I was in English, getting on with my work. When I heard someone whisper something in my ear. I turned around, thinking it was the teacher giving me advice. But here was no one there. I can’t really remember what the voice said but it was very clear.

My house it haunted, too. Once, I was looking in the mirror, when I saw a black figure crouched down on the stairs, as if they were hiding behind the bannister. As few other creepy things have happend, too.

During Christmas, I was sat on the armchair and my brother was sat on the sofa, when a group of Christmas decorations on the tree suddenly started moving, as if someone had just kicked them (as they were close to the bottom of the tree).

Finally, me and my brother also saw someones trousers, folded over the banisters ready to be taken upstairs, get flicked up violently. We both saw it and we were both extremely confused.

Anyway, that’s all my ghost experiences. Do you have any?

Have a fun life! 🙂

My future

I want to become famous. Who doesn’t?

But I have a plan.

I know it seems a bit of a far fetched dream, but I want to be know for my ‘talents’. Ones of which is acting. I love pretending to be someone else. To know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes, to live a different life once in a while. I joined a theatre group three years ago and I have enjoyed every moment, the only problem is the singing. I want to be an actor, not a singer.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had a lead role in the shows as all the lead roles always need to sing at least one song on their own. So I prefer to be a background actor and act my heart out. So far I’ve been in about 7 shows. Some of them I’ve had pretty good parts. But I really want to be a film star, not on stage.

When I watch ‘behind the scenes’ on TV the actors all look really happy, and that they’re having the best time ever! I want to join them.

My other dream is to be a famous author. At the moment I’m writing a book about a terrorist group who capture children and send them to a island when monster-robots track them down and kill them until only three are left. But I’m concerned it’s too similar to The Hunger Games. Is it?

I used to write stories about a chicken called Nugget (cruel I know) who goes on lots of adventures. I was about 10 when I started and sadly lost them all when my mums laptop crashed. Nugget was a real chicken, my pet chicken. Who sadly died a few years ago now. But I still love her.

I have other dreams to. I want my first ‘proper’ job to be a runner. They’re sort of like slaves on film sets. Giving drinks, towels and other things to the actors after a hard days work. I would then like to become a camera man. To be able to follow the film and, when watching the film back, know that it wouldn’t look as good if I didn’t hold that camera.

We should all dream.

Have a fun life! 🙂